


The Loveliest of All

by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen)



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Ridiculous, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:09:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7617556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monkeygreen/pseuds/leveragehunters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When an unknown villain opens rifts into New York and dangerous not-so-mythological beasts start pouring through, the Avengers have to fight to protect the city. They didn't expect to end up <i>protecting</i> one of the not-so-mythological beasts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Loveliest of All

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a bit of silliness so I thought: what's the silliest thing I can think of? The answer, it turns out, is this.

"Dragon!" Clint yelled, giddy with excitement.

"Wyvern," Natasha corrected.

"What? That's a dragon!"

"No. Two legs, two wings. It's a wyvern."

"It's breathing fire, pretty sure that's a dragon," Sam said.

"You'd be wrong."

"Guys, could we stop arguing about what it is," Steve ducked behind the shield and fire splashed around him, "and kill it?"

"Sure thing, Cap." Three arrows took the wyvern in the eye. Its wings folded and it plummeted into the street. They didn't know who'd set up the magic, but it was opening rifts into other worlds and pulling creatures into New York.  At this point, _who_ didn't matter much. Maria Hill was working on it, working on a way to stop the magic. Their job was to deal with the creatures pouring through.

"Sphinx." Natasha's voice was calm as she dealt with the trio of chupacabra who thought they had her cornered.

The sphinx, tall as a two-story building, sat and curled her tail around her paws. Cleared her throat. "What walks on four legs in the morning," her voice boomed out, "walks on two legs during the day, and three—"

"Man. It's man," Sam called.

The sphinx looked disgruntled. "You could have let me finish."

"Sorry, kitty cat, got a little bit on our plate right now," Tony said, then flipped his faceplate down and went to meet the harpies.

The sphinx yowled and leapt at Steve, who was closest, claws extended to slash and tear. They scraped across his shield as he spun away and he and Bucky quickly put her down.

The rifts were opening thicker and faster, creatures pouring out almost too rapidly to be identified. For the most part, it didn't _matter_ what they were. They all had one thing in common: a determined desire to separate the Avengers from their lives.

Sam swooped low. "Tell me everyone else is seeing those."

"You mean the herd of roosters?" Clint asked.

"That's the one."

"They're not roosters, they're cockatrices," Natasha said.

"Okay, how do you know these things? Are you so committed to being a mysterious font of all knowledge you stay up nights reading random Wikipedia pages?" Tony sounded outraged.

A tiny smile crept over Natasha's face and she didn't answer.

Tony's huff was loud over the comms. "And what do these do?"

"Turn people to stone if they're the right type."

"On it." The cockatrices turned into a spray of blood and feathers as Bucky opened fire.

"That's nasty."

Steve could almost hear Sam's lip curling over the comms. "Better than ending up stoned. Don't say it," Steve added quickly. He could definitely hear Tony's grin.

Two more rifts opened. A twelve-foot tall six-headed reptile crashed through the first rift.

"Is that?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah," Steve replied.

"An actual hydra."

"Yeah."

"For fuck's sake."

"Yeah."

"At least we know not to cut its heads off," Sam added.

Bucky snorted a laugh.

"If a head is cut off, two more will take its place," Tony quoted, spiralling into the sky and positioning himself over the creature, which was eyeing him like a cat eyes a bird. Tony waved at it.

"Who knew HYDRA would actually be useful for something," Clint said.

The hydra's heads whipped around, jaws snapping, as something tumbled through the second rift and scrambled to its feet. It was a white blur, dodging the hydra's heads in a panic.

"Unicorn." Natasha's voice was briefly awed and as she spoke the unicorn leapt onto the roof of a parked car. He paused, pawing the metal, as if looking for safety.

He was a unicorn out of a fairy tale. Glistening white in the sunlight, his flowing mane poured like a waterfall over his shoulder, his tail brushed the ground, and feathery hair almost obscured his heavy hooves. He wasn't delicate; he was built for war, with a heavy, muscular body and the horn spiralling from his forehead glinted lethally as he leapt, all strength and grace, from the top of the car as the hydra's jaws snapped shut where he'd been standing.

They acted in unison, as if there was some instinct buried deep inside them that said _protect the unicorn_.

The hydra practically exploded, heads intact, as the Avengers turned their fury on it. The ground shook as its body smashed into the street. The unicorn shied away.

"Well, Cap, looks like we might have found you a friend." Tony sounded extremely pleased with himself.

Steve sighed. The unicorn was keeping its distance, eyeing them warily as he spun in circles, like he didn't understand where he was, like he was looking for something, anything, familiar. Steve could sympathise.

"You know, because unicorns are attracted to virgins." There was a collective groan over the comms and Steve had to supress a smile. He exchanged a look with Bucky. Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I got it the first time," Steve said. "Any sign of more rifts?"

"Not yet."

The unicorn was eyeing them again, looking weirdly hopeful if Steve was reading him right, ears flicking backwards and forwards, then it stilled. Steve tensed. The unicorn launched itself forward and made a beeline straight for Bucky. "Bucky." Moving into his path, shield out, Steve braced himself, but the unicorn twisted like a snake, feinted, spun and shifted around him. Steve turned and saw Bucky standing, ready to dodge, weaponless. " _Bucky_."

"I'm not going to shoot a damn _unicorn_ ," Bucky got out and then the unicorn hit him hard enough to knock him over and stood over him, head down, flanks heaving.

Tony and Sam were hovering overhead, Natasha was beside him, all poised to act, all with a curious reluctance to attack because it was _a unicorn_. Bucky gestured at them. "Hold on." He held up his right hand and the unicorn pressed his nose into it. "Yeah, it's fine." Bucky slid out from under the unicorn and climbed to his feet. The unicorn shoved his head into Bucky's chest, horn carefully angled over his shoulder, and sighed in relief. Bucky tentatively patted his neck.

"Something you want to share with the group?" Of course it was Tony.

Bucky shot him a warning glare. Steve could have told him it wouldn’t do any good.

"Because I thought Cap was the virgin."

"Tony, I know about fifty-seven ways to kill you with a salad fork. You really want to go down this path with me?" His voice was cold, his eyes colder. The threat was somewhat undercut by the unicorn nuzzling his ear. Tony just laughed at him.

Steve slowly came closer and the unicorn laid his ears flat back, eyes rolling to show the whites. "Hey," Bucky said. "Even I know what that means. Cut it out. Steve's okay." His ears slowly came forward and the whites of his eyes disappeared.

"You made a friend." Steve moved to stand behind Bucky's shoulder. The unicorn gave him a suspicious look, then proceeded to ignore him.

"Looks like it."

"Nice to have something that's not trying to kill us."

Bucky nodded, scratching above the unicorn's eye.

The moment of peace didn't last. A rift opened and a herd of winged deer galloped through. Winged deer with a mouthful of fangs and the shadows of men.

"What the hell? Seriously, what the hell are those?" Sam sounded more baffled than anything. "Why do their shadows look like that?"

"They're perytons," Natasha replied calmly. "They have those shadows until they kill someone."

"Right. Because that makes sense."

The perytons were vicious and fast, but they didn't fly, only fluttered a few feet above the ground. Steve and Bucky found themselves with an unexpected ally as the unicorn threw himself into battle beside them. A thousand pounds of muscle with sharp hooves and a vicious horn could do a hell of a lot of damage when properly motivated. Perytons went down, sides caved in or crushed into the ground, as the unicorn fought by Bucky's side.

When the last peryton was dead, they had time to catch their breath. It wasn't long until the message came through from Maria Hill that the person responsible for the rifts had been caught. That she'd found a way to stop the magic. There wouldn't be any more. The Avengers could head home and the clean-up crews would be coming in.

"Which is great and all, but what do we do with the unicorn?" Sam paused. "How is this my life that that’s a question I can actually ask?"

Before anyone could respond, there was a shimmer in the air and a woman appeared, wearing leather and chain-mail, expertly wielding a spear as tall as she was, which she pointed at Bucky and the unicorn. "Release Bob!"

There was a long, thoughtful moment of silence, broken by Clint. "You named your unicorn _Bob_?"

The question seemed to throw her. "What's wrong with Bob? Is it not the name of great warriors in your land?"

"Uh, no. Not so you'd notice."

"Strange." She shook herself and gestured with her spear. "Release my unicorn."

"No one's _holding_ your unicorn," Bucky said. Bob turned his head to look at her, like a child whose parents have come to collect them and they aren't quite sure they're ready to go home. "He won't leave me alone."

She studied Bucky, studied Bob, then spun the spear, planted the butt on the ground, and leaned on it. "Of course. In a strange place full of the unknown, full of terrors from which he couldn't defend himself? He sought out someone kind of heart, someone he could trust, who he knew would help him, who would protect him."

Everyone turned to stare at Bucky, who was in turn staring at the woman with the spear. "Lady, I think your unicorn's broken." The unicorn, _Bob,_ Steve corrected himself, lipped gently at Bucky's hand.

"No," she said, smiling fondly at Bob. "They may be the greatest of warriors, but they are simple creatures with uncomplicated hearts. They don't make mistakes." She watched Bob, who was now nuzzling Bucky's face while Bucky pretended to scowl, but Steve knew him better than he knew himself, knew what that twitch of his lips, the wrinkle at the corner of his eyes, meant. He was secretly pleased. She let out a low whistle and Bob heaved a great sigh, pushed Bucky hard with his nose, then turned and trotted to her side. In a movement so smooth Steve could barely follow it, she swung onto Bob's back and pulled an amulet out of her armour.

"That means he's a virgin," Tony called.

She paused, amulet dangling from her hand. "What?"

"A virgin. Barnes, the guy who was making kissy-faces with your unicorn, that means he has to be one."

There was a collective eye roll and a, "For fuck's sake, Tony," from Bucky.

"Why?" she asked in the tones of someone who isn't sure why she's supposed to care about what's been said, but is too polite to come right out and say so.

"Unicorns are only attracted to virgins, everyone knows that."

"How exactly would a unicorn know if someone's a virgin? And why would he care?" Her expression grew extremely dubious, but Steve could see mischief lurking deep in her eyes. "Exactly what sort of relationship do you _have_ with your unicorns on this plane?"

Tony started sputtering and Sam barked a laugh. "She's got you there, man."

Her mouth spread in a huge grin and she winked at Bucky. Bob tossed his head, glistening white mane seeming to sparkle in the light. The amulet in her hand turned to powder as she crushed it and a glowing door appeared before them. "Thank you for caring for Bob," she said to Bucky. "It's good to know there are people who can be trusted, who will protect those who can't protect themselves, even in this strange place."

Bucky scowled and crossed his arms, but Steve nudged him and he sighed. "You're welcome." Bob stepped delicately forward and peered at him through his ridiculously long forelock, green eyes wide and shadowed by long, delicate eyelashes. "You're welcome, too," Bucky said, scratching his nose. "Don't fall through anymore holes in the world, okay?"

Bob tossed his head, took two steps back, reared and spun gracefully on his back hooves, before launching himself through the door. It slammed shut behind them with a metallic _ping_.

There was a long beat of silence, broken when Clint said, "That was weird even for us."

"What, Barnes turning out to be a virgin? You're not kidding."

"Tony, I'm not a virgin."

"He's really not," Steve added.

"Say what you want, Maiden Fair, I know what I saw. You, unicorn, virgin."

Steve didn't yelp in surprise, but only because he'd seen the gleam in Bucky's eyes. Bucky grabbed the front of his uniform, hauled him in, and planted his metal hand squarely on his ass. Steve went pliant, molding his body against Bucky's, wrapping his hands around Bucky's hips to pull him closer. "Want a demonstration of exactly how much of a virgin I'm _not_?" Bucky asked, challenge ringing in his voice. Steve had to bury his face in Bucky's shoulder to keep from laughing out loud, took advantage of the opportunity to press a kiss or three into the skin of Bucky's neck.

Tony's expression was equal parts intrigued and horrified. Everyone else was shaking their heads, throwing their hands in the air, or otherwise making it clear that they gave up on the three of them. Horrified eventually won out. "Nope, scarred for life. Some things I don't need to see. I'm out." He flipped his faceplate down and took off. The other Avengers rapidly followed suit, leaving them alone.

Steve lifted his head, smiling at Bucky. "Unicorns, huh? Now I think we _have_ seen everything."

"Great warriors, simple creatures, uncomplicated hearts? Kind of reminds me of someone." Bucky reached up and ran his thumb gently over Steve's bottom lip. His metal hand was still very determinedly planted on Steve's ass. "Does that mean you're my unicorn?"

Steve's grin was huge. "Are you saying you want to see my hor—"

Bucky slapped a hand over his mouth. "Steve Rogers, I'm shocked," he said, sounding anything but, then grinned back. "At least wait 'til we get home."

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from The Unicorn Song:  
> 
> _A long time ago, when the Earth was green_   
>  _There was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen_   
>  _And they ran about and played while the Earth was being born_   
>  _And the loveliest of all was the unicorn_


End file.
